This students writing piece is in response to a prompt about finding a bottle and what happens next. The student has put many details into this story. She mentions a friend in her story and goes into details about how she felt before she found he bottle. She also does a good job of showing the reader what she was doing before she found the bottle and how she found the bottle. This student tells her story chronologically and mentions an elapsed time period as a way of setting up an opening seen, however, she does not develop the setting. The story seems to be unorganized as the main character in the story moves around the house taking the reader into the living room, the kitchen, the bedroom and from upstairs to down stairs in a only a few sentences before she finally places the bottle on her dresser.
6 Traits assessment system
- Ideas: Everything seems to be as important as everything else; the reader has a hard time sifting out what is important (NWREL, 1992). The author goes into detail about smashing plates and running down the stairs and infers danger however this portion of the story is undeveloped and the reader is left hanging.
- Organization: Sequencing shows some logic, but not under control enough that it consistently supports the development of ideas. The structure may be predictable and taking attention away from content. Pacing feels awkward; the writer slows to a crawl when the reader wants to move on, and vice verse (NWREL,1992). The story is told in a sequential fashion however the author moves from one scene to the next without developing the idea and the reader feels rushed then dropped. The author writes, I heard a smashy sound, ran down the stairs saw a smashed plate on the floor. The bottle was now in the cupbord, then I saw a lady bug was inside it. So I let it go the lady bug go.
- Voice: Narrative: The development of the topic is so limited thta no point of view is discernable. The writing is risk free, and reveals nothing about the author (NWREL, 1992). The writer moves through the story without including personal information or details so that the story reads as a list. This happened then this without developing the ideas or adding personal information aside from the friend leaving and the fact that she was tired.
- Word Choice: Familiar words and phrases communicate but rarely capture the readers imagination. The words and phrases are functional with only one or two fine moments (NWREL, 1992). The student uses the word smashy which could be an exciting word but otherwise this is a fairly factual story that leads the reader through the events of the story.
- Sentence Fluency: Many sentences begin the same way an may follow the same patterns (e.g. subject-verb-object) in a monotonous pattern (NWREL, 1992). This student writes short sentences. Some examples of this students sentences: I was tired. I watched TV and layed down. I hord a smash. I saw a lady bug.
- Conventions: Paragraphing is missing (NWREL, 1992). This story has no paragraphs.
This student is a good speller and most of the words that are misspelled in this writing sample. She only has a few misspelled word in her story. hard/heard, tired/ tired, wacht/ watched, plat/plate, stars/stairs, waly/while.
Lesson Plan
Objective: Student will learn to develop story ideas, edit and organize her writing.
Standards:
- GLE 1.3.1: Revises text, including changing words, sentences, paragraphs, and ideas.
- EALR :1. The student understands and uses a writing process
- 1.4.1. Applies understanding of editing appropriate for grade level.
Paper, pencil, sample of students writing.
Instructional strategies
I would do this lesson in a personal writing conference.
I would begin by asking the student to read me there story.
Then I would point out the good sentence structure and the way the story is sequential.
Then we would talk about the ideas and how we could develop the ideas so that they complete the reader to keep reading. We would talk about who is reading this story and the purpose of the story. We would talk about how and where she could add details to make the story more exciting and clear. I would ask the student if there is anything they want to add or take out of the story. We will record notes on the rough draft and write down new ideas for the story on the paper.
I would ask the student to rewrite the story independently.
Assessment
I would assess this students learning by comparing the two drafts in another reading conference.